LA to cut Bullshit out of Real Estate
In light of the ailing economy, the city council of Los Angeles has announced a decision to cut the “bullshit” tax out of living in LA.
This understated tax was one of the things driving up real estate and rental prices, and went to help pay for things like prestige, reputation, struggle, and difficulty. While some of those will now have to be cut out of the budget, Ed Reyes of the city council says, “We think the money among residents that will be freed up will be able to re-energize the economy.”
Right now, luxury items, such as bullshit priced perfumes, bullshit parking, and bullshit clothing are being massively undersold, and many economists blame this partly on the substantial cost of living. “Listen, it’s not Los Angeles if you don’t feel prestigious living here,” says exotic purse salesman Michael Deveneaux, “But what’s more important? Spending money on pretentious amounts of rent? Or spending money on pretentious amounts of material goods? Without this bullshit being sold, I’m out of a job, and that’s another person who can’t pay the bullshit rent in LA.”
Removing the bullshit tax on real estate in Los Angeles will hopefully make things much more reasonable. Apartment complexes are estimating that they might have less noise complaints and lower utilities to deal with when they have less than 4 people splitting all their 1-bedroom apartments. Studios may actually only house one occupant once more as well, save for in the originally expensive and prestigious areas such as Santa Monica.
Some people are opposed to it, however. For example, living rooms will no longer be competitive on the market. Stacie Kuger, of Brentwood, says, “Listen, right now I can get $400 a month from some vulnerable, twenty-something, artistic, young man to rent just the living room. Once he can get an efficiency studio with actual privacy for that much, I’ll just have a regular living room.” Another resident of Inglewood feels similarly, as his rent may not go down as much as he can charge for his current extra space. “Right now, I have an office space a little larger than a closet that can go for $475, but that won’t be competitive once there’s no more bullshit to renting in LA, and our rent will only go down about $200.”
A few members of the Hollywood Council for the Higher Arts oppose it as well, saying that removing the bullshit from living in Los Angeles will damage its artistic integrity. “What’s going to happen to all of our starving actors if they’re not starving?” Tom LaBonge bemoans. “You’ll no longer be able to taste the visceral desperation in films.” Porn Producer Klaus Shweissinghoffenmeyer feels similar. “If living becomes much more affordable, I’m going to have difficulties finding desperate young things for my work.”
The city council is trying to decide a date for the bullshit tax to be removed, to give citizens and businesses adequate time to prepare. There’s also question of how long it will be removed. “It has to come back sometime,” Jack Weiss says, “It’s just not LA without all of the bullshit.”
Job Searching Fallacies.
This is off my normal path here, but here’s some helpful tips to writing a cover letter. I’ve been reading articles about how to write cover letters and I’m now inputting my own information into this handy clip as I’ve discovered not all the information out there is helpful or reliable in the current job market:
Dear <Person’s Name/Company Title Here>,
– Note: This is a fallacy. All-in-all, when you’re applying for what you can get online, you’re getting less than nothing for people to contact, and if you’re responding to a classified ad, there’s usually not even a company name. You get to write, “Dear Employer”, or as I’m beginning to do, “Dear Mystery-Job-Person” (It is important to be genderless), or perhaps, “My dear lord/lady, Purveyor of Professions and Income,” if you would like to inflate their ego.
The body text:
Intro:
1. I am writing in regards to your ad for <job>.
2. I am your <insert job title advertised here>!
– Note: The intro to your cover letter is an important part of your letter, as it’s going to be the main reason the hiring manager decides not to be interested in you. Interviews with hiring managers have shown that they don’t like things they hear all the time. This is why you’re not supposed to use #1. They want you to be proactive like in #2, but they don’t want you to be overconfident like in #2; professional, but not stiff; enthusiastic, but not overbearing; emotional, but not weak; reliable, but not predictable; clean but not spartan–well, you get the idea. They want this magical middle ground of you being perfect and ALL FUCKING EXCITED about the limited information they put in their job posting. Or perhaps it’s something from Monster.com, where they’ve listed the ENTIRE HISTORY AND MISSION STATEMENT of the company twice over to get you jazzed about working for them as the perfect “Clerical Assistant and Coffee Maker I”. I, for one, believe perfection is stasis and thus something humanity should never deign to achieve. So, I’ve decided to set the mark somewhat off to give a unique intro as option #3.
3. I see from the fact you’re throwing yourself to the wolves on <insert job classified site here>, you must be absolutely desperate to hire a <insert job title here.>
The body of the body text:
Experience:
I have experience working in <job> as you will see on my resume from when I worked for <employer> from <date> to <some other date>. I also enjoy partaking in <activities requiring traits similar to candidate qualifications described in the job ad>. I’m extremely reliable, in fact, I think if I have any problems my one problem is I’ll just try to work too hard! I like to work with people, children, and puppies. I have references!
– Note: The thought of writing anything past your first sentence, which we already went over, is an absolute fallacy. The reason is simple: It won’t be read. They’re not going to bother. There’s 1400 other applicants for the position, the fact you can string together a polite hello and attach a resume is enough to put you into the “Check Resume” pile. If you INSIST on writing a body text though, please don’t refer them to your resume, and if you do, don’t list page numbers, simplicity will just make the hiring manager more confused. They’ll write you back with QUESTIONS about your letter, asking what you meant by saying, “Please see the second page of my resume for my education qualification and certifications,” and then you’ll just feel insulted, and that enthusiasm and excitement they want will turn into bitter, pickle flavored vitriol, and pickles aren’t good for you when you’re job searching. So instead, write something clear and to the point like this:
PLEASE SEE RESUME. PLEASE SEE RESUME. PLEASE SEE RESUME. PLEASE SEE RESUME. PLEASE SEE RESUME. I ATTACHED A RESUME, HAVE YOU READ IT YET? PLEASE SEE RESUME. THE RESUME HAS AN AMAZING JOURNAL OF PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE I HAVE IN THIS WORK, PLEASE SEE IT. PLEASE SEE RESUME. I TYPED IT OUT SO NEATLY JUST FOR YOU? PLEASE SEE RESUME. PLEASE SEE RESUME. ARE YOU LOOKING AT IT YET? PLEASE SEE RESUME. WHY AREN’T YOU LOOKING AT IT YET?! PLEASE SEE RESUME. WHY NOT JUST CALL ME AND I’LL EXPLAIN IT IN PERSON IF IT’S THAT COMPLICATED! PLEASE SEE RESUME. PLEASE SEE RESUME. PLEASE SEE…Please… I know where to hide bodies.
Note: The above body paragraph should make it clear where their attention can be, and where their questions can be answered. It even implies they can talk to you in person for any questions NOT answered. It’s brilliant!
The body text:
The conclusion and farewell:
I would once again like to say that I am highly interested in <job>, and I would like to thank you for your time and consideration. Have a nice day, and I look forward to hearing back from you!
– Note: Oh, you were doing so WELL with the rest of the body-text, and you come tripping with something generic at the conclusion. Oh, well, obviously you were just putting on a veneer of being a highly skilled worker with years of reliable experience who’s smart enough to put a professional (even if not wildly entertaining) sounding letter together for someone to consider, and after this sentence it’s time to toss it into the “Second choice if all the first choices are psycho” pile. After all, you’re an English Major with an aspiration to outdo Dickens and e.e. cummings all at once when applying for that underpaid video logging and transcription job, right? Just like you have to find some amazing way to say, “Hello!” that’s more creative than everyone else saying, “Hello!”, you need to say “goodbye” on a creative note. Because, you know, a polite saying, even if generic, clearly isn’t good enough. You have to go beyond polite. So I’ve been tooling around with a phrase which I think appropriately treats anyone who puts on that type of attitude when reading a letter:
Well, it was nice writing this. I’d like to thank your mom for telling me how to get you to pay attention after we finished making love last night. Well, she thinks it’s love, I call it slamming a screen door. OOOH! What? It’s not like you’re going to read this anyway. You think paragraphs are hard. What? Yeah, like I said, YOUR MOM, I totally know you made a C-average in high school. I can’t wait to interview and pretend to be excited about your shitty job at whatever fantastic company you work for that’s so desperate as to be posting on <classified ad here>.
Signed,
Sam Asshole
(I bet THIS letter got your attention, didn’t it?)
–
I wouldn’t be surprised if someone who is a hiring manager stumbled across this and got offended. But, honestly, three times in the past month I’ve sent out nicely written letters and gotten questions back that I specifically answered in the letter. I was able to just copy and paste the text into a new letter to reply. It’s ridiculous! That’s what spawned this.
When the Dreamer Ends
I sit here and try to write
But find it hard for universal
Truths to come to me to roll
About on paper as I yearn to do
Instead it’s just my own trite
Problems that mill at the tip
Of my prickly tongue to stab
Holes at the sheet as I go along
Where am I going and what am I
Doing in this greater world
I’m trying to survive in?
Why can I only think of this
Land of nightmares I travel
Through to chase a dream
I constantly wonder day to day
If more would be possible
If I conceded to less
Because it’s apparent now
I only get less as I strive
To achieve more and more
The richness of life slips away
Enduring a struggle for success
With eyes on a shining citadel
I am blinded to potential wonders
In the hills surrounding
My only wish is at the end of life
Is not to look back at what I did
But to look back at how I lived
And no matter what to say I lived
Well, and very well at that
You may say I live as a dreamer
And a dreamer needs to dream
But the waking world means
Day-dreaming for the dreamer
And in so it means living
The nightmares that come with
Dreaming less and less brings
Them stalking more and more
This is the life I chose
And through it I will dream
As nightmares come and go
It’s unstoppable unless one day
I decide to dream no more.
A Gobbledy-Gook
November 23, 2008 at 1:25 pm (Uncategorized) (commentary, humor, Poem, poems, poetry, satire, society)
Today I write a-dook a-dook a gobbledy-gook
The words are simple and the message is easy
There’s nothing for you to comprehend but
A-dook a-dook
A-dook a-dook
A gobbledy-gook
It’s all just a-dook a-dook a gobbledy-gook
I see so many people reading so many things
Yet of these things there’s no understanding
Hear them repeated and repeated until it’s all
A-dook a-dook
A-dook a-dook
A gobbledy-gook
Wonderful words a-dook a-dook a gobbledy-gook
To hear them chanted as you walk down the street
Legions of people speaking the same language
As ugly as it may sound to hear in perpetuity
A-dook a-dook
A-dook a-dook
A gobbledy-gook
Hear them say a-dook a-dook a gobbledy-gook
When they really sing a favorite song perhaps
It’s what comes out when you love something
You’ve no strength to believe in, it’s just
A-dook a-dook
A-dook a-dook
A gobbledy-gook
Every piece of life should question gobbledy-gook
As its sparkle comes not from gold minds of words
And squanders their meaning as it’s championed
For selfish causes as though Satan repeats the verse
A-dook a-dook
A-dook a-dook
A gobbledy-gook
No waste in writing a-dook a-dook a gobbledy-gook
If it’s what may be said by everyone anyway
For who should craft delicate articulation
Only to hear it repeated mindlessly as
A-dook a-dook
A-dook a-dook
A gobbledy-gook
So here I write a-dook a-dook a gobbledy-gook
So for at least one thing ever written there’s
No misinterpretation among the human nation
Because until we mean what we say it’s all just
A-dook a-dook
A-dook a-dook
A gobbledy, gobbledy-gook.
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